Dealings with RAD

RAD:  Reactive Attachment Disorder


Defined as:  the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships.  They often show nearly a complete lack of ability to be genuinely affectionate with others.  They typically fail to develop a conscience and do not learn to trust.  They do not allow people to be in control of them due to this trust issue.  This damage is done by being abused or physically or emotionally separated from one primary caregiver during the first 3 years of life.  They do not think and feel like a normal person.  At the core of the unattached is a deep-seated rage, far beyond normal anger.  This rage is suppressed in their psyche.  Incomprehensible pain is forever locked in their souls because of the abandonment they felt as infants.  There is an inability to love or feel guilty.  There is no conscience.  Their inability to enter into any relationship makes treatment or even education impossible.


Famous people with RAD:  Adolph Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Edgar Allen Poe, Jeffery Dahmer and Ted Bundy.  The one person, who had help, in time (in 1887) and became one of the greatest humanitarians is Helen Keller.


Attachment Disorder Symptoms:


• Superficially engaging & charming
• Lack of eye contact on parents terms
• Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
• Not affectionate on Parents’ terms (not cuddly)
• Destructive to self, others and material things (accident prone)
• Cruelty to animals
• Lying about the obvious (crazy lying)
• Stealing
• No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)
• Learning Lags
• Lack of cause and effect thinking
• Lack of conscience
• Abnormal eating patterns
• Poor peer relationships
• Preoccupation with fire
• Preoccupation with blood & gore
• Persistent nonsense questions & chatter
• Inappropriately demanding & clingy
• Abnormal speech patterns
• Triangulation of adults
• False allegations of abuse
• Presumptive entitlement issues
• Parents appear hostile and angry


Causes of RAD:


• Unwanted pregnancy
• Pre-birth exposure to trauma, drugs or alcohol
• Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
• Neglect
• Separation from primary caregiver
• On-going pain such as colic, hernia or many ear infections
• Changing day cares or using providers who don’t do bonding
• Moms with chronic depression
• Several moves or placements (foster care, failed adoptions)
• Caring for baby on a timed schedule or other self-centered parenting




Now, imagine parenting one of these kids.   It isn't easy, it isn't a walk in the park and more times than not, parents hide within themselves because when confiding in others, they are judged by their friends.  It may not be intentional and there are a lot of welling meaning people who judge without even knowing they are judging you.  It is the hardest thing to do.


I was told, one night, that sometimes love is a CHOICE and not a FEELING.  For the other kids, I *feel* love for them...oozing out of my pores.  There is such joy.   For one, it simply isn't there.  It hasn't been there in a long long time, but everyday I choose to love my child.  


Over the last couple of weeks, I've been striving to say one nice thing to  my daughter.  Somedays it is hard to think of one nice thing but more days than not, I can do or say one thing.  I was trying to make a difference before the calvary came riding in with their education and philosophies.  Then, there was the denial.  There would be no help for my daughter, there would be no help for my family.....nothing.


Tonight, as I was getting ready for church...rushing, as usual, I hear a knock on my bedroom door.  It was my daughter with her hair all sticking up.  She asked, nicely, if I could help her tame one piece of hair that was particularly troublesome to her. I took her to the bathroom, knowing that I had little time and I began teasing her hair, twirling it and hairspraying it.  I finally got it to where I wanted it and when she said thank you...I looked her in the eyes and noticed how beautiful she looked.  


I put my hands on her face and just looked in her eyes.  I realized how beautiful her eyes were...my heart began to swell, for the first time in 4 years.....I told her how much I loved her and how I would never leave her.  That she was precious and God had huge things in store for her.  How she could flip burgers for the rest of her life and I would still be proud of her.  I explained how my heart was full of love...for her and how I finally felt for her what I feel for the other children.  I hugged her, for real...apologized for my bad behaviour over the years and explained, that though we've had a rough rough 4 yrs, that times were changing...finally.  I could see it, I could feel it.


Does she still have RAD, yes; does she still have PTSD, yes; will there still be days I wanna pluck her eyelashes out, yes...but I love her...I really really love her.  I just have to realize that I have to parent her differently than the other children because she is different than the other kids....that's okay.


You wanna know why that's okay...because for the first time, I can honestly, truly say that I love her.


Happiness.............

The events of yesterday....

Didn't end with no word from immigration.


Didn't end with the denial for Gigi therapy.


Didn't end with my family coming home from the ballgame for missions and one kid had a bruise on their cheek from the other kids "excitement" over the teeter totter....She teeted....he was totted upside the head.


Didn't end with the oldest of the bunch, coming in and her face looked like she had been slapped upside the head on both cheeks.  She was so sunburned, it was pathetic...then she couldn't breathe, then her hip feels "out of socket"...tough being a 15 yr old who had been athletic for one whole day and is living to regret it.


Didn't end with Big Daddy coming in, practically falling over because he had chest pains.  He was moaning, thrashing, sweating, and swearing (which he never does anymore).  


It ended at the ER with Big Daddy....There was sat....forever...waiting on results of an EKG, x-rays and blood work.  His symptoms calmed, after he calmed....he felt better and yet he felt bad because we were there and there were other things that we should've been doing.  There were things that needed to be done, but his health far takes precedence over anything else.


I'm thankful, today, that he is fine...grouchy, but fine :)


We did, today, for the first time as a family, skipped church.  It has been an exhausting weekend and we slept in.  Our pastor, bless him, called to check on us because we have such a large family, we are noticed when we are gone.  I love my church family and am so blessed by each and every person.


We are gearing up for AWANA tonight, so very excited to see what the Lord is going to do in the lives of the children that will be there.

Happenings.....

As of my choice to leave fb.....it is nice to know, that due to my reasons, I still, at the age I am...have a sister that has offered to kick someones behind on my behalf......Love to K :) :)


Much to my chagrin, I headed out, this morning (way to early, I might add) to my MIL's house.  There was no grass growing under her feet because she was at the door, off the porch before I even got out of the car.  She is the driver, I'm the navigator and twice a year, we try to go to our city's city wide yardsale.  Map in hand, coke in hand, yawn's still happening, we are headed off.


I never expect any "finds" because I believe that our first year out was our landmark year.  So, occasionally we find things, more so than not, we are yearning for lunch at our favorite restaurant "Dumplins'"  love love love their rolls.


This year, was a year of unexpected things.  I found lots of nice clothes for my kids, toys still in boxes, stuffed animals for my dog and lots and lots of great books for the kids.  So exciting to feel like there is a positive going on...even if it is yard sale items.


We enjoyed our lunch at Dumplin's a little too much and the dessert was fabulous!


Sad thing is, is that all good things must come to an end.  My life, over the last 2 yrs has been peppered with goodness but has been overshadowed with lots and lots of bads and downs.  I mean LOTS AND LOTS.  Today, was no exception.  I used to look for a miracle in every day, now I look for the bad because I know that it is swirling behind every single closed door.  Today, it was closed in the mailbox.


It's not what you think, it was nothing from immigration, but it was still not good.  We've been trying to get Gigi into intense therapy and today, we got word that shew as denied.  Denied....seriously denied.  It is a huge letdown and I was hoping beyond hopes that this would be the answer to all of her psychological issues.  We'd finally get some help.  Finally, someone who would listen to me and to her.


Another day, another disappointment...........I'm so tired of expecting the bad.  I try to look for some great miracle, but the miracles are not being handed out to our family.


Crap.

Apparently, I can't save the world

Crap on the tiara....mess on the cape.....the world isn't going to be saved by me.


What a crappy crappy day filled with crappy drama and crappy people.


According to http://www.dictionary.com "crappy" is an adjective, or a describing word.  It means to be "nasty, humiliating, insulting or unfair".  I would concur with that meaning and say that what was said about me was nasty, insulting and completely unfair (though humiliating doesn't describe it at all).  


I have am a "fixer" person.  I like to help people.  I like to see people succeed and be all that they can be (no, I'm not in the army, though when people see me with my kids, they would beg to differ).  I want people to know they have every opportunity to dream and attain their dreams, even when they screw up.  There *are* second chances.  


With everything going on in my life, with the challenges that my family has faced.....I have lost my fight.  I've lost my will to defend.  I've lost my ability to leave my emotions at the door.  On any given day, I deal with reactive attachment disorder, learning disabilities, girl scouts, church duties, volunteer work, my job, my home, bullies, bad grades, evolution issues and the ever present adoption nastiness.


You know, when those (crazy people) who like butter on their bread (I'm not one of those people).  Picture me as the bread and all the issues of life as the nasty, one molecule away from a plastic, cheap butter....the kind that simply will not spread no matter how hard you try.  You take your knife, dip it into the "reactive attachment disorder" butter and try to spread it out...the bread begins to flake.  With each other issue (adoption, learning disabilities, etc) you continue to dip your knife in, in hopes of something good coming out of it and each time you *try* to smear it on your bread, more chunks come off and eventually you are left with giant lumps of bread all over the table and a broken crust.  That's me...the broken crust.  My butter is not getting any softer and my bread is in tatters.


I've chosen to give up an important thing in my life and a not so important thing in my life.  One was a hard decision the other was an easy decision.


Comparing my issues to the Cross is a whole nother ball of wax.  Nothing I go through even holds a tiny flicker to what Jesus did on the Cross for me.  He died with my name on His lips.  He died to set me free, so I can be free and live in eternity with Him.  I'm so thankful.


I really really wish, though, God willing.....He would, for once, give me some spreadable butter.  That'd be nice.

Do you ever wonder

What it means when you see a package, at the grocery, labeled "feeds and entire family".....read on down and you see that the entire family is a family of 4.  A mom, a dad, a boy, a girl.  That's it....

Pause, Boo is attempting to rap...........pray for me :/

Okay, that is over....I do believe, since he "bought" a medium sized bejeweled dollar sign and has been wearing it on a chain, he now things he is a thug.  I'm not sure if he realizes that he is EXTREMELY white in his rapping, his dancing, etc.  He even has a tat on the back of his neck LOL.....quite funny.  He went on a three day spurt of wearing all black.  Wow, he is the cutest 10 yr old in the WORLD!

Back to my grocery moment.....as I'm strolling through the store, with my list in hand and my child o the moment (Gigi) I see a box with the label, above.  I get excited and pick it up because it happens to go with my menu, for the rest of the month.  Then I realize what it said and ended up spending way more than I intended too...

I really have no idea what this post is even about.  I don't remember...I've ended my fast, drank 2 cokes and my rapper won't stop rapping, therefore I can't think straight.  When I get it my thoughts together, I'll repost my moment (if I remember).

BTW, this is a Christmas rap.....it is going to be a LONG LONG LONG wait for the Christmas program if I have to hear this rap over and over and over from my white black boy LOL

Wake up song

This is the song that was in my head as I woke up, this morning...........

What would you do?

If you were given the opportunity to solve all of one major issue in your life?  


Would you jump on it?


Would you pray about it first?


Would you go to the phone instead of the throne?


What *would* you do?


Say you were offered a job....took it to "help" with the problem, in hopes of solving it.  Several months later...problem still not solved and you are still working at the job, as before.  Nothing has really changed with the exception of YOUR ENTIRE LIFE and YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.  Yet, you continue, daily to make that sacrifice.


Then, one day, out of the blue, from a "higher up" who is quite scared of you because of what you have caught said supervisor doing comes up and says that you should apply for a supervisors position and that the "higher up" will back you up 100%. 


Knowing this, knowing it solidifies a full time position and *may* have a small pay raise.....the first thought that runs through you head is "this will make it all better....take the job....get a letter written...send it to the powers that be regarding the huge issue.....get what you have desired for almost a year....quit the job all together."  Woot Woot.  It will all be over soon.


Is this direction deceitful?


Is this unethical?


Is this okay because the place you are at is compared to the cesspool of hell and you want to "stick it to" the powers that be and walk away laughing at their misfortune?


Then, as you are making the long trek home, you get to thinking.....


Would Jesus take this offer, do what was stated earlier, get the prize and then leave people hanging?  


Is this a way to humanly make the problem go away or is this God's will?


Are you seeking your own way to resolve this or are you being patient and waiting on God? 


What *would* you do?