G, 9....wow....she is...well....difficult. We adopted her and her brother (Catfish) when she had just turned 6. When we met her, she was full of energy, love, laughter, joy......she was fun to be around and she was eager to please. Fast forward a week (literally) and she was then full of rage, anger, self mutilation, violence, lying, deceit, pain.......it was almost unbearable the first year. Yet, we pressed on.
Before I get to all the other issues of the world...let me tell you that she loves to sing, she looks great with short hair (much to her dismay), she knows what she likes and doesn't like. Singing is her favorite thing to do. She also likes swimming, being the center of attention, reading and talking (in general).
She was in therapy, for a while, but she is queen of "telling people what they want to hear" regardless of truth. She would rage for hours, on end. We tried medication, didn't work; we tried therapy, didn't work; we tried love and recreating her broken first few years, didn't work. We were made to be the odd ones because in public, she was an angel. We were viewed by many people to be the villians and they just couldn't understand why we had so much trouble with her.
Reactive Attachment Disorder is a disorder where it makes a child one of 2 ways. They can be resistant to affection (stiff when hugging, no eye contact, will not let you near them) or they can be OVERLY touchy/feely. That was the case for G. She would go and sit in anyone's lap, tell them she loves them (strangers), touching inappropriately, acting inappropriately, etc. It is a hard disorder to live with because there is nothing that can be done, medically. There isn't a magic pill that can change the behaviours, there isn't any amount of love or devotion that can be given that would make a difference. It is horrible.
The manipulative lying.....wow, that is a big one.....a really really big one. Here are more signs to look for (the ones in red are the ones that we have dealt with over the last 3 yrs):
The Ambivalent Children –
- Are angry, defiant & can be violent.
- Will push affection away to keep control
- Are destructive both with their own belonging and others
- Are extremely difficult children to parent because they sabotage or destroy almost everything positive that happens to them.
- When they want something, they act very affectionate.
- Have few friends if any, although they will say they do, listing several acquaintances – keep friends only for a short time
- Lack the ability to give and receive love
- Lack empathy for others – often cruel to animals and other children.
The Anxious Children –
- Tend to be overly clingy, showing extreme separation anxiety when separated from their mothers.
- Incessantly chatters to control conversation
- Appear to be eager to please and are superficially compliant.
- Are often passive aggressive, constantly doing little things wrong, but never doing anything really bad, but frazzling the parents patience and control.
- Usually recover faster than those in the other categories
The Avoidance Children –
- Are often overlooked as they are very compliant, agreeable & superficially engaging,
- Lack depth to their emotions & functions – robotic like, not genuine or real in emotional engagement.
- Don’t enjoy being around others because they don't feel safe.
- Are Omnipotent – believing that they can care for all their own needs by themselves, and do not need others, especially their mothers.
- Are sullen and openly oppositional, but mostly in a passive aggressive way.
The Disorganized Children –
- Have highly disorganized behaviour and a bizarre showing a variety of symptoms.
- Hide anger deep inside, they are easier to deal with, harder to treat.
- May have atypical psychosis, bipolar disorder, and other neurological disorders.
- Often will have mental illness in the family history.
- Are excessively excitable (other RAD children are usually moody.)
- Are most difficult to treat in therapy because they have so many different problems and often require medication and out-of-home care.
Other Signs & Symptoms
Signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder in infants may include: weak crying response, rage, constant whining, sensitivity to touch and cuddling, poor suckling response and eye contact, and no reciprocal smile response.
Reactive Attachment Disorder Children may also have these symptoms: lack of conscience development, lack of eye contact except when lying, will not give or receive affection (hugs & kisses), no impulse control, abnormal eating patterns (gorging, hoarding, etc.), constantly making noise of some kind, pacing, and unusual speech patterns (mumbling, robotic, talking softly).
Here are some dos and don'ts (just as some friendly advice...when you come across a hagard mom of a RAD kid) 1. Don't compare their difficulties to yours with a healthily attached child who gives some trouble. It is like comparing an acorn to an oak tree. The parents will feel like their problems are being belittled, and they will feel even more alone.
2. Don't give advice on how to discipline unless they ask for it. Often with these children nothing, I mean nothing, works.
3. Don't judge their parenting.
4. Don't side with the child in trying to get what he wants, or to defend him against the parents.
5. Don't help the child to get around rules set by the parents.
6. Don't say, "He is such a pleasant boy. He seems to be so stable. I don't understand why you are having trouble with him. He's not that bad."
Now some dos.
1. Listen with sympathy. You may not be able to understand completely, but admitting that is encouraging. It shows that you recognize the problem.
2. Support the parents in any efforts they are making.
3. Babysit the problem child, or take him on an outing, to give the parents a break.
4. Show love and acceptance to the child.
5. Pray for and with the parents.
6. Support the parents in any treatment decision they might make. It is very hard to give you child over to a treatment facility, but then to be criticized for doing so really hurts.
