Kamikaze Squirrels

I have worked A LOT this week...everyday, in fact.  I'm not complaining...just stating a fact that the children have spent A LOT of time with Big Daddy (whom I adore).

I called one evening, on my lunch break.  Big Daddy answers the phone with a quick "hello."  In the background, however, I hear the kids SCREAMING.  Beings that I was, indeed, 40 miles away and on the phone, I couldn't decipher the screams as being "save me" screams or "excited" screams.  I could hear them all chattering telling Big Daddy "tell her this and tell her how Mumphry...." (Mumphry is the cat that was dumped off, at our house, pregnant and now has 2 of the cutest kittens ever...Buck and Freida).

I ask what is going on and Big Daddy laughs.  He said that the children found a baby squirrel in the yard and something was "obviously" wrong with the squirrel.  It's back or legs were possibly broken from either a fall or a car.  I'm saddened because I think squirrels are cute, but I thought this would be a good time for Big Daddy to teach the children on what to do when they find an injured wild animal.  I hear Peach in the background hollering "the squirrel bit Buck!"  She was not happy about that. 

Instead of Big Daddy teaching them how to handle this situation, he approached this with a "predator/prey" philosophy.  He sat the baby squirrel down and the children watched Mumphry stalk/attack/eat the baby squirrel, only leaving its hind legs and tail behind.  Big Daddy was hysterical as he was explaining the shrills/thrills/grossiness/excitement of the children.  I sat, in stunned silence...then I got incredibly tickled out him laughing.

The next day, I call the children on break and I am informed that we have had no electricity.  They went to the neighbors house and she had no power either.  She called the company and a SQUIRREL had eaten through the cables and knocked out our power....guessing it was the mama to the baby...she was retaliating because of the cat eating her baby.

Not to be outdone.....Mumphry has one last say in the whole issue.  I came home from work and a squirrel stretched out and as big as my cat, was lying dead on the back step.  Is this the kamikaze mama squirrel who knocked out the power? Did the squirrel fry itself when biting through the cables and the cat found her?  Was this even the mama?  I dunno....all I know is Mumphry is one cool cat.

Mom VS Mom

Homeschool vs Public school vs Private school

Breastfeeding vs Bottle feeding

Co-sleeping vs cry it out

Stay home mom vs Working mom

Why is it that we, as women, choose to battle each other.  Not every woman battles, but there are some that...good grief....need to get a grip.  It is exhausting to listen to the many pros and cons of how to be the "best" at mothering children.

I was raised with a stay at home mom, who eventually became a college mom, who eventually became a working mom.  I'm okay.

I have one sister who has worked, bottle fed and sent her kids to public school.  She her kids are fine.

I have a sister who has worked, stayed at home, bottle fed, breastfed, public school, private school and homeschooled and her kids are fine.

Personally, I have been a stay at home mom for 16 yrs, a working mom for 10 mths, a public school mom, a private school mom and a home schooling mom and a mom who has breastfed and bottle fed her kiddoes.....they are fine.

Let's find some harmony here, lets realize that we are all, for the most part, trying to raise our children the best way we can.  Our goal is not for them to be "superstars" but for them to rise up, be salt and light and to live for the Lord in all that they do.

Have I enjoyed working....not so much.  There are days when I do and days that I don't.  I can say, I've been blessed by meeting some WONDERFUL people whom I would've never met had I not started my job.  I do miss homeschooling.  It was fun, I enjoyed it and my kids enjoyed it.

I'm thoroughly exhausted on any given day.  My house is a mess, my kids don't bathe every day, I snuggle excessively with my husband because I miss him when I work.  I can't make every meeting, I can't make every appointment.  My windows are CLEARLY not clean and there is lots to do.  I can say, I love my Lord, I love my husband and I love my children.

Support each other...realize that everyone isn't cut from the same cloth.  Respect each other's differences and above all, follow the command to "love one another".

Blessings.

Waiting and Watching

It is a blessing...it is also hard....


I received 8 new pictures of our son, whom we have not touched since Oct 2010.  


He is 1 yr. older, he is *so* much bigger.


We are watching him grow up, in pictures.  


We are watching booboos heal, through pictures.  


We are watching smiles and giggles, through pictures.


We are watching tears and illness, through pictures.


We are watching him play, through pictures.


We are watching him grow, through pictures.


Please join us in prayer, in our son coming home, so we can watch his triumphs and milestones in person, instead of in pictures.

.....Busted....

So, I was busted, today....completely and totally.  My sisters are busy people.  K has had many many ups and downs; works like a fiend; protects like a superhero; lives for her family.  T has 6 kids, all in something; homeschools; has a husband who travels; dedicated to her church; dedicated to her famiy....and yet.....


THEY STILL LOOK AT FACEBOOK AND BUST MY CHOPS.


I so rarely get on fb anymore and the one time I do, they are there to read it LOL.  So, they now know that I have made fun of them, on my blog.....LOL...funny.


I'm gearing up for another day.  Waiting on a friend to come and strip the insulation out from under my house...what a crappy crappy job to do, but how blessed that he can help us and we can help him.


Kids are doing their chores, I'm finishing up the clothes transfer from spring to fall/winter and my pile to give away has grown by leaps and bounds.  We donate to Angel's Attic.  It is a great organization, where we also buy lots of clothes for VERY LITTLE money.  All the money that is made goes to the Angel's Clinic.  It is a free health clinic that is run by volunteers.  Most of the doctors in town donate their time and resources to help those who can't afford health insurance.  Great people giving back to those in need.  I love love love things like this.  We are all one bad decision away from poverty, destitution, homelessness, etc.  


Help those who need help.  You never know when you are going to be on the receiving end.  We were there, not too long ago and we are so thankful for those who helped us out of no obligation.  We are honored to be able to help others, today.  


Love goes out to K and T............for loving me when I'm completely unlovable and for letting me make fun of them (even though it IS true).

Questions from a RADish

"MOM, WHY WHEN I PUT MY BANGS IN MY FACE AND BLOW THEM UP, WILL THEY NOT ALL BLOW UP?"

"MOM, CAN YOU PAINT MY TOENAILS?"

"MOM, WHAT DOES THIS WORD MEAN V.A.R.I.N.G."

"CAN I PLAY THE WII?"

"CAN I WATCH A MOVIE?"

"CAN I SING UPSTAIRS?"

"CAN I HOLD THE CAT?"

"WHAT IS FOR SUPPER?"

"CAN WE HAVE MACARONI AND CHEESE FOR SUPPER"

"CAN I WATCH A MOVIE"

"CAN I RIDE THE BIKE"

"CAN I SIT ON THE SWING"

"CAN I SIT ON THE COUCH"

"CAN I PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR"

"CAN I SHUT THE SHADES TO THE WINDOW"

"CAN I GO TO THE BATHROOM"

............ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS SPAN ABOUT 1 HOUR IN DELIVERANCE OF THEM :/..........

Organizational Issues

This is one area, that I THOUGHT I had down pat.  If you compared me to my sisters, I'd win.  Finally.  I win in one area if we are having an organizational showdown.


That has escaped me over the last 9 mths.  Since I started work, this past year, my mojo is so far gone, I now feel bad for making fun of one of my sisters. She is completely challenged in that area (heck, they both are LOL)....I can say that because they don't read my blog LOL.


I can't seem to keep up with anything.  I'm forgetting things, like my name badge for work, paperwork that needs to be signed, homework that needs to be checked, supper because I'm too tired to do anything else.  I tend to "over commit" myself to things and even though I am working now, that tendency hasn't changed.  I have a hard time saying "no".  


My goal is to let each of my children have 1 thing, outside this house, that they enjoy (ie 4H, soccer, baseball, basketball, horseback riding, etc); also I'd like to camp; read a book; fulfill my commitments at church; feed my family healthy meals; get rid of crap in the house; reduce said crap and donate it....lofty aspirations.


With my job change, hopefully coming next week, that is going to stretch me to my limit.  With my CASA work, my paid work, church, 6 kids, husband, house, chickens, the roaming pig to laugh at and then top that with working 40-50 hr weeks......how am I going to accomplish anything?


I am blessed to have an older daughter to help my younger son do his homework.  She is wanting to be a special needs teacher and my son has learning disabilities, so this is right up her alley.  That helps.  The fact that 2 of my kids HS and I've changed their curriculum to universalclass.com has been a HUGE relief for me.  They can get done what they need to get done, learn, but when they have questions, they simply email the teacher.  Now for the other children, that is still a work in progress.  Big Daddy doesn't do well with helping them with their homework.  He gets frustrated, they cry.  That is still an ongoing issue.


Cooking has been easier, because I cook one whole day, usually for a month (minus Wednesday nights were we eat at church and Sundays which I simply don't cook and Thursdays when Big Daddy makes pizza).  It has saved on my grocery bill and my sanity. When I work nights, I feel badly because I don't know what everyone is eating.  Now, I can tell Bug which dinner to pull out and there is a meal, cooked with love from me, even when I'm not there.


Now, if I could nail down everything else, I'd be happy.  I guess this is a good problem to have. 


If anyone has any tips/clues as to how they have better managed their time, feel free to drop me a comment. I'd certainly appreciate it.


As I learn what works for me, I'll certainly let you know too...now off to declutter my closet and donate some unwanted clothes!

One step forward; three steps back

Did I think my "revelation" with Gigi would heal all wounds, all RADish moments?  Uhm, no...it just means that my revelation has enabled me to deal with the backwards steps that will occur, for the rest of her life.  Instead of me going off the deep end or building up my wall of unemotion, when she does have a RADish moment....I handle it differently.


This morning, is no different.  DH is out of the bed by 6:30...by 6:45...I feel a warm body next to me getting as close.as.humanly.possible.  I realize that it is Boo, there to snuggle for a moment.  I lay there, half asleep, rubbing his head.  In the meantime, the troops start heading upstairs to get their clothes.  We have a family closet, makes my life easier and their rooms cleaner.  Once the last person comes upstairs to get their clothes, I send Boo back down to do his chores, eat breakfast and brush his teeth (as well as he is the official announcer for everyone else to do this).


I lay in bed till 7:15.  Get up, get dressed, head downstairs to take the kids to school.  It is met with Boo yelling at Gigi.  I ask what is up, as I'm wiping the eye boogers out of my eyes and he is yelling that Gigi stated they would ALL get in trouble if ALL the lights were on.  I'm thinking "whatever"...it's all good.  Then I notice ALL the Kinex is strewn all over the floor, so unless Big Daddy was playing with them last night, that generally means the boys have been.  Fine, that is fine.  Just pick it up.  So I told them to get on with that. While they are scrambling to pick up the toys, Gigi is thrusting a piece of paper in my face and frantically telling me to just sign it because it is due TODAY.  I just look at her thinking.....you have lost your pea pickin' mind.  I don't say anything and I look at her.  I briefly scan the paper and it is for her class to go to the movies.  I asked her why she didn't give it to dad the day before and her classic response "I don't know, but it needs to be signed and returned TODAY."  I told her last school semester (as well as the boys were told) that I do not sign things 5 minutes before we are headed out to school.  I want to read it, research the movie and talk to her father about it.  She is devastated.  


In her devastation, she chooses to sit on the chair and SCREAM at Peach to get her chapstick down.  This has been on ongoing whining, begging, screaming match for the last few days.  I just look at her and tell her to get her backside in the car.  She stomps out, pouting.  As I'm pulling out of the driveway, I explain to her, AGAIN, the reason why I don't sign papers that are thrust in my face 5 minutes before they are due.  I asked her, again, why she CHOSE not to give it to dad yesterday.  I got the same response.  I explained, AGAIN, that I wasn't trying to be mean, but I'm trying to teach her responsibility and that I wouldn't have signed it for either of the boys had they made that choice.  Silence.


As for the chapstick issue.....I explained that the chapstick was not hers, to begin with.  I let her use mine and that she needed to ask me, not DEMAND that Peach do what Peach was told to do.  If she needed some, fine.  I don't care, but ask me, not your sister.  And for the love of all that is good, do NOT demand that I do anything.  She must learn to ask and wait patiently.


Do I feel bitterness, indifference, irritation at Gigi....no.........I feel it about her behaviour, but the Lord showed us, both, favor this morning.  It could've gone way differently, due to the past interactions and conflicts we've had.  He blessed me with peace, with remembrance of love and tolerance of the RADish behaviours.  She is still stomping....probably telling her teachers how horrible I am, but that is okay.  I know what I know.  Part of what I know is that I love HER, not so much her actions.


Isn't that probably how God feels about us?  He loves us, so very much....our actions saddens his heart.  

A Priest, A Deaconess and a Baptist

We all work together at the store and we seriously write our own jokes :)


When we, as a family, decided that I needed to go back to work, it was hard.  I cried, A LOT because I'm a creature of habit.  I'm one that needs routine and when it is shaken, it rocks me to my core.  Controlling?  Maybe.  I dunno.  I just know that I like what I like and change is not one thing that I like.


My whole world changed.  My kids went back to PS, my oldest was still being homeschooled, but our whole life turned upside down.  I was blessed, when I got my job....I was trained by THE SLOWEST WOMAN ON THE PLANET but she is definitely the sweetest thing...ever and she is true, honest and stable.  When I got assigned my department, a regal looking gentleman with kind eyes and a radio worthy voice, caught my eye.  I wanted to know who he was because he happened to work in my department and frankly, I needed all the help I could get, not knowing anything from anything.  


I introduced myself and I quickly learned that he was going to school to be a deacon in his local church.  I didn't realize there was a "school" for a deacon, so I went ahead, took the plunge and blurted out my thoughts (completely unsanctified thoughts).  I asked where he went to church and when he stated that he was Catholic and that they were going back to their Biblical roots of positions in the church.  I was enthralled.  I wanted to learn more.  I began asking questions like "so, what's up with the Pope?"  "What do you do and why do you kneel/stand so much"  "explain the hierarchy of the church and their positions."  He answered each and every question and he still does, to this day.  He is very tolerant and understanding of my ignorance.  It is clear, he knows God, he knows Jesus and he loves them both dearly.  I am blessed.

He sees me, when I'm having an "off" day and tells me to get busy before I break down.  He hugs me when I need it and one particularly difficult day, after he told me to get busy, he walked up to me and said with love in his eyes "this means more to me than anything and I'm giving it to you for peace."  It was a beautiful rosary.  

He explained the prayers that you pray using the rosary and he encouraged me to pray.  He has walked through the aisles, at work, and prayed over me.  He has sent me emails of prayer.  He.is.precious.

Now, onto the Deaconess...she hasn't been working with us long, but she is short, black and a firecracker.  She is completely and totally in love with the Lord and her family. She doesn't see working at our job as a "job" she sees it as a mission from God.  She looks every opportunity to witness and let people know her faith.  She is an encourager, a protector, a friend, a confidant and she oozes grace and dignity.

She is not shy about her faith.  She has laid hands on me, with customers waiting and prayed over me.  She has held me when I cried, she has cried with me.  She has told me more than once "speak it into existence".  It will be.  Watch your mouth....don't let that negative stuff come out, don't speak negativity into existence.  I'm constantly saying something and then catching myself because I think she will hear me and whop me outside the head for speaking negativity.  Be positive, wait on God.....

During the trials of this adoption....I have learned that it is okay to cry. That I can be mad, that I can be sad, that it is okay to talk to people.  I hold so much in.  I don't like to burden people or feel like I'm constantly playing the same tune on the violin.  Between my Wednesday night girls, my Deaconess and my Priest....I'm surrounded by love, prayers and understanding during my hard times and there have been so very many.

Our trial is soon coming to an end.  God will bring my child home before the year mark is up.  I'm speaking that out, in the Name of Jesus.  I'm so thankful that during this time, God has seen fit to bless me, at work with such strong people of faith.  He has blessed me with a strong family of faith and a strong church of faith.  When your daughter sends you messages at work that says "mom, I love you and remember to CLAIM IT."  I know that God is working and He is showing me and my family His grace and mercies throughout this difficult year.

The year is coming to an end.....my son will be home by next month.  I'm choosing to believe.

Dealings with RAD

RAD:  Reactive Attachment Disorder


Defined as:  the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships.  They often show nearly a complete lack of ability to be genuinely affectionate with others.  They typically fail to develop a conscience and do not learn to trust.  They do not allow people to be in control of them due to this trust issue.  This damage is done by being abused or physically or emotionally separated from one primary caregiver during the first 3 years of life.  They do not think and feel like a normal person.  At the core of the unattached is a deep-seated rage, far beyond normal anger.  This rage is suppressed in their psyche.  Incomprehensible pain is forever locked in their souls because of the abandonment they felt as infants.  There is an inability to love or feel guilty.  There is no conscience.  Their inability to enter into any relationship makes treatment or even education impossible.


Famous people with RAD:  Adolph Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Edgar Allen Poe, Jeffery Dahmer and Ted Bundy.  The one person, who had help, in time (in 1887) and became one of the greatest humanitarians is Helen Keller.


Attachment Disorder Symptoms:


• Superficially engaging & charming
• Lack of eye contact on parents terms
• Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
• Not affectionate on Parents’ terms (not cuddly)
• Destructive to self, others and material things (accident prone)
• Cruelty to animals
• Lying about the obvious (crazy lying)
• Stealing
• No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)
• Learning Lags
• Lack of cause and effect thinking
• Lack of conscience
• Abnormal eating patterns
• Poor peer relationships
• Preoccupation with fire
• Preoccupation with blood & gore
• Persistent nonsense questions & chatter
• Inappropriately demanding & clingy
• Abnormal speech patterns
• Triangulation of adults
• False allegations of abuse
• Presumptive entitlement issues
• Parents appear hostile and angry


Causes of RAD:


• Unwanted pregnancy
• Pre-birth exposure to trauma, drugs or alcohol
• Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
• Neglect
• Separation from primary caregiver
• On-going pain such as colic, hernia or many ear infections
• Changing day cares or using providers who don’t do bonding
• Moms with chronic depression
• Several moves or placements (foster care, failed adoptions)
• Caring for baby on a timed schedule or other self-centered parenting




Now, imagine parenting one of these kids.   It isn't easy, it isn't a walk in the park and more times than not, parents hide within themselves because when confiding in others, they are judged by their friends.  It may not be intentional and there are a lot of welling meaning people who judge without even knowing they are judging you.  It is the hardest thing to do.


I was told, one night, that sometimes love is a CHOICE and not a FEELING.  For the other kids, I *feel* love for them...oozing out of my pores.  There is such joy.   For one, it simply isn't there.  It hasn't been there in a long long time, but everyday I choose to love my child.  


Over the last couple of weeks, I've been striving to say one nice thing to  my daughter.  Somedays it is hard to think of one nice thing but more days than not, I can do or say one thing.  I was trying to make a difference before the calvary came riding in with their education and philosophies.  Then, there was the denial.  There would be no help for my daughter, there would be no help for my family.....nothing.


Tonight, as I was getting ready for church...rushing, as usual, I hear a knock on my bedroom door.  It was my daughter with her hair all sticking up.  She asked, nicely, if I could help her tame one piece of hair that was particularly troublesome to her. I took her to the bathroom, knowing that I had little time and I began teasing her hair, twirling it and hairspraying it.  I finally got it to where I wanted it and when she said thank you...I looked her in the eyes and noticed how beautiful she looked.  


I put my hands on her face and just looked in her eyes.  I realized how beautiful her eyes were...my heart began to swell, for the first time in 4 years.....I told her how much I loved her and how I would never leave her.  That she was precious and God had huge things in store for her.  How she could flip burgers for the rest of her life and I would still be proud of her.  I explained how my heart was full of love...for her and how I finally felt for her what I feel for the other children.  I hugged her, for real...apologized for my bad behaviour over the years and explained, that though we've had a rough rough 4 yrs, that times were changing...finally.  I could see it, I could feel it.


Does she still have RAD, yes; does she still have PTSD, yes; will there still be days I wanna pluck her eyelashes out, yes...but I love her...I really really love her.  I just have to realize that I have to parent her differently than the other children because she is different than the other kids....that's okay.


You wanna know why that's okay...because for the first time, I can honestly, truly say that I love her.


Happiness.............

The events of yesterday....

Didn't end with no word from immigration.


Didn't end with the denial for Gigi therapy.


Didn't end with my family coming home from the ballgame for missions and one kid had a bruise on their cheek from the other kids "excitement" over the teeter totter....She teeted....he was totted upside the head.


Didn't end with the oldest of the bunch, coming in and her face looked like she had been slapped upside the head on both cheeks.  She was so sunburned, it was pathetic...then she couldn't breathe, then her hip feels "out of socket"...tough being a 15 yr old who had been athletic for one whole day and is living to regret it.


Didn't end with Big Daddy coming in, practically falling over because he had chest pains.  He was moaning, thrashing, sweating, and swearing (which he never does anymore).  


It ended at the ER with Big Daddy....There was sat....forever...waiting on results of an EKG, x-rays and blood work.  His symptoms calmed, after he calmed....he felt better and yet he felt bad because we were there and there were other things that we should've been doing.  There were things that needed to be done, but his health far takes precedence over anything else.


I'm thankful, today, that he is fine...grouchy, but fine :)


We did, today, for the first time as a family, skipped church.  It has been an exhausting weekend and we slept in.  Our pastor, bless him, called to check on us because we have such a large family, we are noticed when we are gone.  I love my church family and am so blessed by each and every person.


We are gearing up for AWANA tonight, so very excited to see what the Lord is going to do in the lives of the children that will be there.

Happenings.....

As of my choice to leave fb.....it is nice to know, that due to my reasons, I still, at the age I am...have a sister that has offered to kick someones behind on my behalf......Love to K :) :)


Much to my chagrin, I headed out, this morning (way to early, I might add) to my MIL's house.  There was no grass growing under her feet because she was at the door, off the porch before I even got out of the car.  She is the driver, I'm the navigator and twice a year, we try to go to our city's city wide yardsale.  Map in hand, coke in hand, yawn's still happening, we are headed off.


I never expect any "finds" because I believe that our first year out was our landmark year.  So, occasionally we find things, more so than not, we are yearning for lunch at our favorite restaurant "Dumplins'"  love love love their rolls.


This year, was a year of unexpected things.  I found lots of nice clothes for my kids, toys still in boxes, stuffed animals for my dog and lots and lots of great books for the kids.  So exciting to feel like there is a positive going on...even if it is yard sale items.


We enjoyed our lunch at Dumplin's a little too much and the dessert was fabulous!


Sad thing is, is that all good things must come to an end.  My life, over the last 2 yrs has been peppered with goodness but has been overshadowed with lots and lots of bads and downs.  I mean LOTS AND LOTS.  Today, was no exception.  I used to look for a miracle in every day, now I look for the bad because I know that it is swirling behind every single closed door.  Today, it was closed in the mailbox.


It's not what you think, it was nothing from immigration, but it was still not good.  We've been trying to get Gigi into intense therapy and today, we got word that shew as denied.  Denied....seriously denied.  It is a huge letdown and I was hoping beyond hopes that this would be the answer to all of her psychological issues.  We'd finally get some help.  Finally, someone who would listen to me and to her.


Another day, another disappointment...........I'm so tired of expecting the bad.  I try to look for some great miracle, but the miracles are not being handed out to our family.


Crap.

Apparently, I can't save the world

Crap on the tiara....mess on the cape.....the world isn't going to be saved by me.


What a crappy crappy day filled with crappy drama and crappy people.


According to http://www.dictionary.com "crappy" is an adjective, or a describing word.  It means to be "nasty, humiliating, insulting or unfair".  I would concur with that meaning and say that what was said about me was nasty, insulting and completely unfair (though humiliating doesn't describe it at all).  


I have am a "fixer" person.  I like to help people.  I like to see people succeed and be all that they can be (no, I'm not in the army, though when people see me with my kids, they would beg to differ).  I want people to know they have every opportunity to dream and attain their dreams, even when they screw up.  There *are* second chances.  


With everything going on in my life, with the challenges that my family has faced.....I have lost my fight.  I've lost my will to defend.  I've lost my ability to leave my emotions at the door.  On any given day, I deal with reactive attachment disorder, learning disabilities, girl scouts, church duties, volunteer work, my job, my home, bullies, bad grades, evolution issues and the ever present adoption nastiness.


You know, when those (crazy people) who like butter on their bread (I'm not one of those people).  Picture me as the bread and all the issues of life as the nasty, one molecule away from a plastic, cheap butter....the kind that simply will not spread no matter how hard you try.  You take your knife, dip it into the "reactive attachment disorder" butter and try to spread it out...the bread begins to flake.  With each other issue (adoption, learning disabilities, etc) you continue to dip your knife in, in hopes of something good coming out of it and each time you *try* to smear it on your bread, more chunks come off and eventually you are left with giant lumps of bread all over the table and a broken crust.  That's me...the broken crust.  My butter is not getting any softer and my bread is in tatters.


I've chosen to give up an important thing in my life and a not so important thing in my life.  One was a hard decision the other was an easy decision.


Comparing my issues to the Cross is a whole nother ball of wax.  Nothing I go through even holds a tiny flicker to what Jesus did on the Cross for me.  He died with my name on His lips.  He died to set me free, so I can be free and live in eternity with Him.  I'm so thankful.


I really really wish, though, God willing.....He would, for once, give me some spreadable butter.  That'd be nice.

Do you ever wonder

What it means when you see a package, at the grocery, labeled "feeds and entire family".....read on down and you see that the entire family is a family of 4.  A mom, a dad, a boy, a girl.  That's it....

Pause, Boo is attempting to rap...........pray for me :/

Okay, that is over....I do believe, since he "bought" a medium sized bejeweled dollar sign and has been wearing it on a chain, he now things he is a thug.  I'm not sure if he realizes that he is EXTREMELY white in his rapping, his dancing, etc.  He even has a tat on the back of his neck LOL.....quite funny.  He went on a three day spurt of wearing all black.  Wow, he is the cutest 10 yr old in the WORLD!

Back to my grocery moment.....as I'm strolling through the store, with my list in hand and my child o the moment (Gigi) I see a box with the label, above.  I get excited and pick it up because it happens to go with my menu, for the rest of the month.  Then I realize what it said and ended up spending way more than I intended too...

I really have no idea what this post is even about.  I don't remember...I've ended my fast, drank 2 cokes and my rapper won't stop rapping, therefore I can't think straight.  When I get it my thoughts together, I'll repost my moment (if I remember).

BTW, this is a Christmas rap.....it is going to be a LONG LONG LONG wait for the Christmas program if I have to hear this rap over and over and over from my white black boy LOL

Wake up song

This is the song that was in my head as I woke up, this morning...........

What would you do?

If you were given the opportunity to solve all of one major issue in your life?  


Would you jump on it?


Would you pray about it first?


Would you go to the phone instead of the throne?


What *would* you do?


Say you were offered a job....took it to "help" with the problem, in hopes of solving it.  Several months later...problem still not solved and you are still working at the job, as before.  Nothing has really changed with the exception of YOUR ENTIRE LIFE and YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.  Yet, you continue, daily to make that sacrifice.


Then, one day, out of the blue, from a "higher up" who is quite scared of you because of what you have caught said supervisor doing comes up and says that you should apply for a supervisors position and that the "higher up" will back you up 100%. 


Knowing this, knowing it solidifies a full time position and *may* have a small pay raise.....the first thought that runs through you head is "this will make it all better....take the job....get a letter written...send it to the powers that be regarding the huge issue.....get what you have desired for almost a year....quit the job all together."  Woot Woot.  It will all be over soon.


Is this direction deceitful?


Is this unethical?


Is this okay because the place you are at is compared to the cesspool of hell and you want to "stick it to" the powers that be and walk away laughing at their misfortune?


Then, as you are making the long trek home, you get to thinking.....


Would Jesus take this offer, do what was stated earlier, get the prize and then leave people hanging?  


Is this a way to humanly make the problem go away or is this God's will?


Are you seeking your own way to resolve this or are you being patient and waiting on God? 


What *would* you do?

This is what greeted me, this morning

Got a phone call, last night, from our friends across the street.  I was snuggling up to Big Daddy, we (all of us) were having a movie night and enjoying "The Adventures in Babysitting" (with the assistance of our lovely clearplay machine).  Well, Brian is not the quietest person on the face of the planet and his voice BOOMS when he talks and the earth shakes with is incredible laugh.  Love to hear him laugh.

Anyway, I heard the words "lost" and "pig" in the same sentence.  I looked at Big Daddy and I asked him if he said that he lost a pig and if he did....when, on earth, did he get a pig?  Her name is Petunia and she was a runaway. So, all 5 kids excitedly get on their shoes, turn on all the outside lights and head out to search for the lost pig.  To no avail.  Petunia was no where to be found.  Sadness.

I thought little else of it, last night.  Went onto bed and this morning, got up to take the 3 youngers to school.  I'm not a typical "get em to school" mom where every hair is in place.  I'm a throw on your pants, pull your Tina Turner hair in a ponytail, giant zit shining on my chin and no bra kind of mom.  We jump in the car, pull out and I slow down thinking..."did I just see a giant pig?"  Why, yes I did...so the kids and I try to flank said pig.  She is HUGE and I "assumed" she would be slow.  I was severely mistaken.  Just cause your fat, doesn't mean you can't move like lightening. A woman, looking like i do, with no "support" because just running the kids to school doesn't require putting support on....it is not a pretty sight.  Not.At.All.

Let's just say............pig 1, Brandi and kids 0.

Get the kids to school and what do I see, on the way home, but the pig, in the neighbor's driveway being flanked by 2 dogs.  Easy as pie.  I stop, gather the "girls" up for another run at the pig and off we go.

Pig 2, Brandi 0

I stop at my friend's house and she is just as disheveled as I am.  I'm greeted at the door by Precious Child #1.  I could simply eat that little girl up.  I love it when someone is *so* happy to see me that her whole face lights up.  She lets me in, mommy has just rolled out of bed, holding Precious Child #2.  I'm in Heaven...sheer heaven.  Rocking one baby, sitting with the other, watching Tarzan and being in the company of a friend.  I tell her of my "issue" with the pig.  She doesn't seem concerned, so I just sit and rock.

Soon, I realize that I have to be ready for a visitor at 9:00 and I'm looking, not appropriate.  Big Daddy's only request was that I brush my hair, teeth and wear a bra.  I passed on my girls to their sweet mama and head out.  As I'm getting in the car, I look up in the distance to see that stupid pig running down the road at full speed. 

I knock on friend's window, tell her where the pig is headed and she flies out the door with infant in hand, toddler trailing behind her.  I pick up Precious #1 cause she doesnt' have shoes and as we are standing in the front yard, we are both squinting down the road to see the black speck that is Petunia.  She hands me Precious #2 and flies in the house to get her shoes on.  I take both girls to my house to feed #1 breakfast and just to smell #2.  In the process, I get Peach out the front door, with her bike and she heads out to help corral the pig.

Later......

Pig 3, friend & kid 0

It.Is.ON.

Let the games begin.

Another Monday

Today is day 5 of my fast (but according to sweet Pauletta at the bookstore, I'm not supposed to let anyone *know* I'm fasting....OOPS).  I expressed to her that I didn't "feel" any different since my fast began.  That I was thankful for no headaches, which I was afraid would plague me and that only one day I was grouchy.....I wanted my fast to last for 7 days.  It began last Thursday and I wanted to go until this coming Thursday.  That is what my mind was set on....yet, I obviously don't add well because my seven days is up on Wednesday, according to my mathematician husband, who informed me of this fact last night.  All is well, though, I still feel like Thursday is the day for me, so I guess it is an 8 day fast.  Whatever.  Still, I'm on day 5 no matter what day I end on.


Anyway, when I expressed my feelings about my fast, why I'm doing it and that I didn't feel any different, she began to ask me if I was praying.  Yes, I'm praying, probably not as much as I should be, but I am praying.  I told her, however, about this morning as I was driving into work (a mere 40 min of driving).  I either pray, sit in silence or listen to K-Love.


Now I'm not an overly emotional person.  I can keep my tears in check, I fight hard to keep emotion out of the question...really, who has time for that.  I certainly don't.  Sometimes I feel, in a certain situation that I should cry, yet it doesn't come.


The first song I heard was Chris Tomlin's .... I was praising with my hands held high, in my Kia Rio :)  I felt a rush of emotion as I sang this song out, but I stiffled it in.


"I Lift My Hands:"


Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy is unfailing
His arms, a fortress for the weak
Let faith arise
Let faith arise
I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, you are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
That you are faithful God, forever

Be still
There is a river
That flows from Calvary's tree
A fountain
For the thirsty
Your grace that washes over me
Let faith arise (Let faith arise)
Let faith arise (Let faith arise)
I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, you are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful God, forever.

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, you are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful God, forever.

Let faith arise,
Let faith arise.
Open my eyes,
Open my eyes.

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, you are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful God, forever. 


Then, there was Laura Story's "Blessings"...this one I can barely get through without being completely hysterical....when I say completely hysterical, it is an ugly ugly cry.


"Blessings" 


We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
This is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

and next was Newsboys "I Am Free".  I had semi held it together for the first 2 songs and then the one song that is upbeat, positive and exciting...I CRY LIKE A LITTLE SCHOOL GIRL!  Oh.My.Goodness.....it was pathetic...embarrassing, ran my make up.


"I am Free"


Through you the blind will see
Through you the mute will sing
Through you the dead will rise
Through you all hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams
I am free

I AM FREE TO RUN
I AM FREE TO DANCE
I AM FREE TO LIVE FOR YOU
I AM FREE

Through you the kingdom comes
Through you the battle's won
Through you the price is paid
Through you I'm not afraid
Through you there's victory
Because of you my soul sings
I am free

WHO THE SON SETS FREE-IS FREE INDEEDNOW

 
As I'm describing this scene to Ms. Pauletta, she told me that I am, indeed, beginning to feel and things are happening and moving in my life.  I was excited to hear that, yet fearful, in a way of what to expect.  I know what I'm praying, but I'm scared to death that what I pray for isn't in His Will.  


I must choose not to fear, I must continue to choose to believe and I must keep running the race, without looking for rain and I must prepare for rain, because I believe, with all that I am that my son will be home this month.  Finally..............I will finally hold my son, again and my family will be complete.

Worship

I can honestly say that I woke up to a Shania Twain song...the one that plays at work over and over and over and over again.........hate that song.


On a better note, service was centered around the events of 9/11 and it was a moving time.  I am proud to be an American and I thank, from the bottom of my heart those who serve our country so my family can sleep at night, safely.  Also, the families of those who serve.  That part never really affected me until I met a friend who was the wife of a soldier.  I saw, firsthand, the sacrifices that she and her children made while her husband was serving our country.  Kids, today, need to learn to say THANK YOU to those they see, out in public, who have on a hat/shirt/sign on their vehicle, any symbolism that they fought for us.

Wake up song

This is the song that I woke up too......it played over and over in my head.

My Mantra

If you didn't notice my new heading on blogger...please take a moment to scroll up and see what I've put.  I have decided, since my last post (in July *gasp*) that I'm going to save the world. 


My therapist always told me (yes, I was therapized in my life) that I'm like a mother hen, I get my wings spread out and I gather all my little chicks under me to keep them safe.  I don't like the unknown, I don't like change and I certainly don't like being thrown into the fires of hell with nothing but a water pistol.


That's okay, though, because come Monday, when I have to go back to work, I'm going to stop by Charming Charlie (if you have never been to this store....be prepared to stand in awe of all the things that sparkle.  I believe I salivated a bit when I first stepped through the doors).  At Charming Charlie, there is a back area...I believe that it is a secret place where the only people who belong are those who have made friends with the "friends" in their mind (that'd be me).  Well, they have tiaras!!!!!!!!!!!!!  They are so stinking cute. 


I want one to remind me that I may be walking through the fires of hell with my water pistol, but I'm also a princess of the KING and He is standing in front of me, beside me and behind me.  He is letting me use said water pistol, because of my incessant need to control....once the fire begins to consume me, though, I yield to His presence and He takes over and stomps that fire out without even breaking a sweat.


As for the "cape" in my new mantra....well, I've always wanted my life to be like a musical (ie The Phantom of the Opera or The Sound of Music)...the cool people *always* had capes, therefore I sense that I need one for posterity.  I tend to make songs up and sing randomly throughout my house, when I'm driving (who needs a radio) and at work.  The kids, who I work with, love it when I work nights because come about 8:30, I begin singing show tunes......


It has been a long long long long road since my last post.  Things are still up in the air with my son and when we can bring him home.  He remembers us, though, so that gives us comfort.  He is loved, he is fed, he plays hard...that gives me comfort.  I still want to be the one that comforts him.  I want to kiss his booboos when he falls, I want to fix his supper, I want to tuck him in at night, I want him to hear his mommy and daddy tell him how much he is loved and treasured.  How much we've prayed for him and for this whole situation to be rectified.  


I have devoted this week to do my first fast....can we say....UGH.  The things that steal the most time or that I love the most, is to be given up.  I decided on giving up facebook and coke...COKE.  Do you *know* how much I love coke.  I drink it out of the can, hot; I drink it in a giant mug with crushed ice; out of a wine glass; out of the fridge; anyway I can get it is how I drink it.  I.LOVE.COKE.  I love everything about coke.  I love that way the fizz goes up my nose, the way it burns when it goes down my throat....love love love......coke.


During this week, I'm focusing on prayer and prayer of *very* specific things.  
-for approval
-quick embassy date
-to travel before the end of the month
-B's job situation
-healing within our family
-for Gigi to be completely healed


It is a big list, but I have a big God and I'm choosing to pray believing that giant miracles are headed our way.


So.....here I go, with my tiara and cape in hand (more like Bible and scarf) and I'm going to conquer the world :)


Blessings.