Dealings with RAD

RAD:  Reactive Attachment Disorder


Defined as:  the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships.  They often show nearly a complete lack of ability to be genuinely affectionate with others.  They typically fail to develop a conscience and do not learn to trust.  They do not allow people to be in control of them due to this trust issue.  This damage is done by being abused or physically or emotionally separated from one primary caregiver during the first 3 years of life.  They do not think and feel like a normal person.  At the core of the unattached is a deep-seated rage, far beyond normal anger.  This rage is suppressed in their psyche.  Incomprehensible pain is forever locked in their souls because of the abandonment they felt as infants.  There is an inability to love or feel guilty.  There is no conscience.  Their inability to enter into any relationship makes treatment or even education impossible.


Famous people with RAD:  Adolph Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Edgar Allen Poe, Jeffery Dahmer and Ted Bundy.  The one person, who had help, in time (in 1887) and became one of the greatest humanitarians is Helen Keller.


Attachment Disorder Symptoms:


• Superficially engaging & charming
• Lack of eye contact on parents terms
• Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
• Not affectionate on Parents’ terms (not cuddly)
• Destructive to self, others and material things (accident prone)
• Cruelty to animals
• Lying about the obvious (crazy lying)
• Stealing
• No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)
• Learning Lags
• Lack of cause and effect thinking
• Lack of conscience
• Abnormal eating patterns
• Poor peer relationships
• Preoccupation with fire
• Preoccupation with blood & gore
• Persistent nonsense questions & chatter
• Inappropriately demanding & clingy
• Abnormal speech patterns
• Triangulation of adults
• False allegations of abuse
• Presumptive entitlement issues
• Parents appear hostile and angry


Causes of RAD:


• Unwanted pregnancy
• Pre-birth exposure to trauma, drugs or alcohol
• Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
• Neglect
• Separation from primary caregiver
• On-going pain such as colic, hernia or many ear infections
• Changing day cares or using providers who don’t do bonding
• Moms with chronic depression
• Several moves or placements (foster care, failed adoptions)
• Caring for baby on a timed schedule or other self-centered parenting




Now, imagine parenting one of these kids.   It isn't easy, it isn't a walk in the park and more times than not, parents hide within themselves because when confiding in others, they are judged by their friends.  It may not be intentional and there are a lot of welling meaning people who judge without even knowing they are judging you.  It is the hardest thing to do.


I was told, one night, that sometimes love is a CHOICE and not a FEELING.  For the other kids, I *feel* love for them...oozing out of my pores.  There is such joy.   For one, it simply isn't there.  It hasn't been there in a long long time, but everyday I choose to love my child.  


Over the last couple of weeks, I've been striving to say one nice thing to  my daughter.  Somedays it is hard to think of one nice thing but more days than not, I can do or say one thing.  I was trying to make a difference before the calvary came riding in with their education and philosophies.  Then, there was the denial.  There would be no help for my daughter, there would be no help for my family.....nothing.


Tonight, as I was getting ready for church...rushing, as usual, I hear a knock on my bedroom door.  It was my daughter with her hair all sticking up.  She asked, nicely, if I could help her tame one piece of hair that was particularly troublesome to her. I took her to the bathroom, knowing that I had little time and I began teasing her hair, twirling it and hairspraying it.  I finally got it to where I wanted it and when she said thank you...I looked her in the eyes and noticed how beautiful she looked.  


I put my hands on her face and just looked in her eyes.  I realized how beautiful her eyes were...my heart began to swell, for the first time in 4 years.....I told her how much I loved her and how I would never leave her.  That she was precious and God had huge things in store for her.  How she could flip burgers for the rest of her life and I would still be proud of her.  I explained how my heart was full of love...for her and how I finally felt for her what I feel for the other children.  I hugged her, for real...apologized for my bad behaviour over the years and explained, that though we've had a rough rough 4 yrs, that times were changing...finally.  I could see it, I could feel it.


Does she still have RAD, yes; does she still have PTSD, yes; will there still be days I wanna pluck her eyelashes out, yes...but I love her...I really really love her.  I just have to realize that I have to parent her differently than the other children because she is different than the other kids....that's okay.


You wanna know why that's okay...because for the first time, I can honestly, truly say that I love her.


Happiness.............