Another Monday

Today is day 5 of my fast (but according to sweet Pauletta at the bookstore, I'm not supposed to let anyone *know* I'm fasting....OOPS).  I expressed to her that I didn't "feel" any different since my fast began.  That I was thankful for no headaches, which I was afraid would plague me and that only one day I was grouchy.....I wanted my fast to last for 7 days.  It began last Thursday and I wanted to go until this coming Thursday.  That is what my mind was set on....yet, I obviously don't add well because my seven days is up on Wednesday, according to my mathematician husband, who informed me of this fact last night.  All is well, though, I still feel like Thursday is the day for me, so I guess it is an 8 day fast.  Whatever.  Still, I'm on day 5 no matter what day I end on.


Anyway, when I expressed my feelings about my fast, why I'm doing it and that I didn't feel any different, she began to ask me if I was praying.  Yes, I'm praying, probably not as much as I should be, but I am praying.  I told her, however, about this morning as I was driving into work (a mere 40 min of driving).  I either pray, sit in silence or listen to K-Love.


Now I'm not an overly emotional person.  I can keep my tears in check, I fight hard to keep emotion out of the question...really, who has time for that.  I certainly don't.  Sometimes I feel, in a certain situation that I should cry, yet it doesn't come.


The first song I heard was Chris Tomlin's .... I was praising with my hands held high, in my Kia Rio :)  I felt a rush of emotion as I sang this song out, but I stiffled it in.


"I Lift My Hands:"


Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy is unfailing
His arms, a fortress for the weak
Let faith arise
Let faith arise
I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, you are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
That you are faithful God, forever

Be still
There is a river
That flows from Calvary's tree
A fountain
For the thirsty
Your grace that washes over me
Let faith arise (Let faith arise)
Let faith arise (Let faith arise)
I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, you are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful God, forever.

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, you are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful God, forever.

Let faith arise,
Let faith arise.
Open my eyes,
Open my eyes.

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, you are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful God, forever. 


Then, there was Laura Story's "Blessings"...this one I can barely get through without being completely hysterical....when I say completely hysterical, it is an ugly ugly cry.


"Blessings" 


We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
This is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

and next was Newsboys "I Am Free".  I had semi held it together for the first 2 songs and then the one song that is upbeat, positive and exciting...I CRY LIKE A LITTLE SCHOOL GIRL!  Oh.My.Goodness.....it was pathetic...embarrassing, ran my make up.


"I am Free"


Through you the blind will see
Through you the mute will sing
Through you the dead will rise
Through you all hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams
I am free

I AM FREE TO RUN
I AM FREE TO DANCE
I AM FREE TO LIVE FOR YOU
I AM FREE

Through you the kingdom comes
Through you the battle's won
Through you the price is paid
Through you I'm not afraid
Through you there's victory
Because of you my soul sings
I am free

WHO THE SON SETS FREE-IS FREE INDEEDNOW

 
As I'm describing this scene to Ms. Pauletta, she told me that I am, indeed, beginning to feel and things are happening and moving in my life.  I was excited to hear that, yet fearful, in a way of what to expect.  I know what I'm praying, but I'm scared to death that what I pray for isn't in His Will.  


I must choose not to fear, I must continue to choose to believe and I must keep running the race, without looking for rain and I must prepare for rain, because I believe, with all that I am that my son will be home this month.  Finally..............I will finally hold my son, again and my family will be complete.