I stand amazed

I stand amazed in the presence
Of Jesus the Nazarene,
And wonder how He could love me,
A sinner, condemned, unclean.

I am such a wretched soul.  I love my God out of one side of my mouth and I sin out of the other side.  How does He love me when I'm so unworthy of His love.  What did I ever do to deserve this kind of unconditional love.  Grace.  Grace is a beautiful thing.  When I'm completely unlovable, He is still there with open arms, ready and waiting to hug me and to tell me to come to Him with my burdens.  My yoke is heavy and His yoke is light and He is waiting for me to yield and to hand over, completely my troubles.  How awesome is that!

O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior’s love for me!

 For me it was in the garden
He prayed: “Not My will, but Thine.”
He had no tears for His own griefs,
But sweat drops of blood for mine.

In pity angels beheld Him,

And came from the world of light
To comfort Him in the sorrows
He bore for my soul that night.

He took my sins and my sorrows,
He made them His very own;
He bore the burden to Calvary,
And suffered and died alone.

Not my will but His.....what a hugely powerful statement.  How many times do we pray, "Lord, heal this affliction"; "Lord make it stop".....there are so many times when I catch myself praying for those things and I realize that I'm praying for it to done in MY way, not His.  Selfish.  I pray for God to release G from her horrible memories, for her behaviour to change.  In reality, maybe it is me that needs my memories erased of her behaviour and for my heart to change towards her.  It is time to stop sinning in our prayer (a friend pointed out that this is, indeed sin) and humbly ask that His will be done and for me and my family to understand His will and to lead us down the path of righteousness.  He died, willingly.....for me.  He bore my sins.......my horrible horrible sins, for me.

When I think to the fact that I'm a missionary to my family....wow.  I'm so unworthy.  I can be SO mean, horrible and cruel.  RAD has been such a painful thing to live with.....but I make it worse by my reaction.  As my former pastor would say "I can't control the action, but I can control my reaction."

When with the ransomed in glory
His face I at last shall see,
’Twill be my joy through the ages
To sing of His love for me.

I was blessed, last night.....blessed in a way that I hadn't thought would ever happen.  I thought God had forgotten about me and my troubles, yet here they were...a group of women, willing to listen, ask questions, love and not judge me.  I'm a very closed off person.  I don't like sharing about my life or my troubles.  I feel very judged, by any/everyone when I do talk about things.  Like I have to constantly explain myself and my actions.  These women sincerely asked questions, they sincerely listened and there was NO judgment or condemnation.  The encircled me, laid hands on me and prayed over me and my family.  They are praying for me today.  How can I be so horrible and yet God show me such favor in this group of women.  I am blessed.  I have a wonderful accountability friend, who show's me Christ's love, daily and then I have a church....I've been going for 5 weeks and they have embraced my entire family...issues and all. I've never experienced that, at any church, ever.

Thank You, God for sending Your Son to die for me.  Thank You for loving me when I am SO  unlovable.  You are an Awesome God, who deserve to be praised in the good times and the bad.  I won't tell You how big my storm is, I'll tell the storm how big my God is!